


lips, honey and a little bit of unrequited feelings

by totorojin



Category: Stray Kids (Band)
Genre: Angst, Fluff, Friends to Lovers, M/M, Mutual Pining, Pining, angst & fluff, pining! channie, pining! felix, some unrequited love for a time
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-10-27
Updated: 2018-10-27
Packaged: 2019-08-06 14:01:34
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 8,771
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/16389059
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/totorojin/pseuds/totorojin
Summary: for all he's ever known, all throughout middle school and high school chan had always gotten crushes on girls and boys that he didn't know beforehand. in most cases, were way out of his league as well.now by any means, he does not think that lee felix, out of fucking everyone, is in chan's league. no, felix is at least ten (10) leagues above him, or in some elite league.or, men ain't shit but felix is kinda the shit.or, 'i made a thousand poems, a million songs and wrote a billion words for you and with one kiss you made it all worth it'.





	lips, honey and a little bit of unrequited feelings

**Author's Note:**

> okay so some notes: this is in australia. australia's grades are like,,, instead of them being in grades, they're in years. also their school years start in january, and ofc their seasons are different to ours. (spring - september, october, november. summer - december, january, february. autumn - march, april, may. winter - june, july, august).
> 
> ok yeah i think that's it honestly i wanted this to be in korea but since i know jack shit abt korean schools & i have two friends that live in australia,,,, yanno. yeah that's it ok i hope u enjoy this messy ass lowkey vent fic siuhduasd  
> anyways i just finished this & i'm rlly tired so i'll edit this later since i have to italicize a lot of stuff and add some notes??? also check up on this in a day or two bcs i might've forgotten to write a scene shsjsbjs i'm a mess Look okay i'm sorry  
> \- luke

chan doesn't exactly mind having felix as both his friend and his disgustingly gay crush.

for all he's ever known, all throughout middle school and high school chan had always gotten crushes on girls and boys that he didn't know beforehand. in most cases, were way out of his league as well. he would stutter and shake just being in a close enough proximity with them, it’s an understatement to say it was really embarrassing. he would freak out over so many stupid, meaningless things they would do too. like he would get a mini panic attack over them scrunching their nose, or blush too much and a way too bright pink whenever they basically, breathed. humiliating.

he knows that this was kinda unhealthy. especially when it was a crush he can't get; a crush that was already in a relationship. he knows that it's unhealthy, but he can't help it. he falls so easily and quickly, it's so dumb.

the people he kept close to him were getting sick of it, to put it frankly. sick of chan blushing, of chan being too afraid to say anything, freaking out over them finding out he likes them but also being the most obvious motherfucker on the earth. it’s truly a case of been there, done that.

and don't worry, chan was too. chan was sick of not being able to form a proper sentence in front of his crush, of staying up late and smiling at imagining what they could be together. he was done writing songs about love, but more importantly he was done with them being unrequited love songs. all they could be, but never were.

it was boring, stale, the same heartbreak. he needed something new. he needed a happy love story, at least once.

now by any means, he does not think that lee felix, out of fucking everyone, is in chan's league. no, felix is at least 10 leagues above him, or in some elite league. what he’s trying to say is that felix is absolutely drop dead gorgeous, and there's no denying it. felix has constellations on his cheeks and his heart on his sleeve.

but no matter how hard chan has fallen for felix, he’s glad that he’s familiar. felix smells like the forest, looks like art, and feels like home. chan is enjoying every second of it because it took a long time for him to develop a full blown crush on him, and he's glad it did.

he met lee felix when he was in his senior year of high school (year 12), when felix was a new kid (year 9). as chan was an average student, he was chosen to show a couple of new kids around school.

“say, uh, although hanging with freshmen is a bit weird for a senior like me — that shouldn’t stop you guys from bonding with other freshies and sophomores. maybe a junior or two if you’re lucky or just really socially capable,” he pauses and doesn’t really look any of the freshmen in their eyes. “and a great way to do that is yes, clubs. there’s lots of clubs!”

chan scratches the back of his neck in awkwardness, "i was mentioning clubs because i’m the president of the music club and i kinda sorta wanna be a good businessman too and bring in some fresh meat to the crew.”

they all looked equally intrigued, which was a positive sign for chan. he got a little bit more confident as he continued, “we don’t just do classical shit, don’t worry. we do a lot of different genres, and we often team up with the high school’s dance team when we have a performance. if any of you are interested, sign ups are after class.”

he dismisses the crowd of new kids, and heads off to go rant to his friend group — his friend group consisting of kim woojin, lee minho and seo changbin. it was a small friend group, but one with good dynamic and chemistry. truly, chan prefers them being just 4 and close instead of 15 and distant. he appreciates quality over quantity. they were also part of the music club, while minho was the leader for the dance team.

minho really wasn’t an actual member of the club as much as he was the one who kept chan sane when the members were driving him absolutely insane. also his go to when he wants to bitch and complain about how stressful the club is for him, sometimes. not all the time, since music is still his passion — just sometimes he goes into this gigantic block and wants to punch the wall when the word ‘ _music_ ’ is even uttered in his presence.

minho was more or less chan’s anchor because not only does he get the struggles of going into a creative block, but he also understands all his bitching about being the club president. it’s the same case for minho’s scorpio ass — as much as he adores dance and wants it to be his career in one way or another, and as much as he loves his teammates, sometimes he just wants to punch them square in the face. maybe more often than chan does.

going back to the day he met lee felix, he remembers that hot january day as also the first time he was ever impressed by year 9s ( _that was connected to talent and not being impressed at how desperate they are when they want to be friends with someone older than them, karen_ ).

after class, a group of nervous-looking year 9s came in. they were made up of hwang hyunjin, han jisung, kim seungmin and lee felix, and chan recognized them all as the kids he had to tour around earlier that day.

hyunjin was a bit shy with his vocals, but still, he was pretty good at it. though, when he started rapping that’s when he really started to shine. technically, he wasn’t the fastest nor the most impressive lyrically, but what wowed chan away was the pure emotion he put into his lyrics. he doesn’t have to be fast for chan to notice that.

jisung was the whole fuckin’ package from the start; not only was he amazing vocally, but his rap was so fast and so impressive that for a second or two chan really couldn’t keep up. and he was so humble about it too, chan knew that he and changbin would make a hell of a pair together when rapping.

jisung raps fast with a lot of emotion and with impressive lyrics. halfway through his little audition, chan didn’t have a doubt in his mind that he would make it into the club and have more than just one solo in performances.

seungmin didn’t rap, but he made it up with his heavenly vocals. despite having completely different vocal styles, seungmin reminded him a lot of the other kim on the team, woojin. there were a few tweaks here and there that seungmin could make when it comes to his voice, but he knew that other vocalists and woojin could help with that.

and then finally, came felix. and it was safe to say that felix is quite a surprising and shocking boy.

he can rap and sing, but that wasn’t really the surprising part — it was his deep as the ocean sea salt voice. this kid is like what, 15? and puberty already hit him so hard, it’s like a fucking baseball bat. chan was so shocked when felix opened his mouth that his jaw genuinely dropped. he looks like such a soft, innocent looking boy and to have that voice come out of him, it isn’t supposed to work like that. goddammit, it isn’t fair.

felix genuinely looks like he’s 12 years old and his balls just dropped right before he came in, but nope. nah, life is unfair and lee fucking felix has the deepest voice chan has ever heard in his entire life. in every way, it is not fair.

that was chan’s first impression of felix; deep voice, talented as fuck. but just because he has some skill and that voice didn’t really mean that chan would try to talk to him outside of club activities and when it was absolutely necessary, but alas felix continues to surprise him.

though this time he surprised him by captivating chan. by some unknown force, he was dragged to felix’s aura and atmosphere, with every passing minute spent in his presence chan wanted to know more and more. he wanted to know who he is at the very essence.

wanting to get closer to felix means letting him into chan’s friend group, and by default felix’s friends too. so only at the beginning of chan’s senior year of high school did his friend group jump from being just the four of them, to now eight. somehow, he didn’t really mind all that much.

in ways he cannot explain, he feels like it all became an everlasting puzzle. and these eight dumb boys who share the same passion fit together like glue. even when chan and woojin graduated high school, and when a new kid named yang jeongin merged into their friend group, he still felt like it was just as happy and natural with them like it was when it was just four.

though, it was only when felix turned 18 that chan started viewing him in a different light. one that sorta intimidated him, because he knows this shade, this brightness, this exact hue of light shining onto felix’s face. it was romantic.

but chan is glad it took him such a long time to develop feelings for felix, because in that time frame he could get familiar enough with felix. to the point he can ruffle his hair without felix wondering 'what?', that chan can tease him without him thinking he's serious or mean, to the point that felix trusts chan enough that he's comfortable sharing cobweb filled, dark secrets. and that chan is completely fine and non-jittery around him, that he can form a sentence with proper grammar. in general, he’s glad that he is comfortable around him.

chan is glad that he's familiar enough with him that felix leans onto him when his shoulders are too tired to bear the weight of his worries alone.

but it comes with cons as well, like felix constantly ranting to chan about his own crushes.

_example number one (1): seo changbin._

from that sentence alone, this whole situation was quite messy. even messier when you realize that this is a love triangle of unrequited love. chan likes felix, felix likes changbin, and changbin doesn't like felix. fantastic.

even better when chan has to sit through felix blushing whenever he’s in a five (5) mile radius within changbin, and all the words he wants to say to changbin but never does. chan is the one who has to listen to felix about how much he loves changbin, while chan sits there absentmindedly thinking about how much he likes felix.

felix is a star-filled boy. and chan is fully aware with all the years of knowing him.

being created from stardust also means that felix is quite the emotional boy. he remembers the time when chan was awake at 2:38 am in the morning, a combination of working and lack of sleep blessing him and his phone rang. he didn't even look at it for him to know that the caller id was 'angel'. codename for him, venus boy, constellations kid, whatever, it was felix.

he picked up, and put him on speakerphone. clearly, he can hear him sobbing.

"felix?" even if he was tired and lacked the ability to sleep, he still managed to try to sound as awake as possible. just for angel. "felix, are you crying over changbin?" the word 'again' died on his lips.

"chan, tell me honestly." _can't. too busy hiding the fact i like you and your contact name on my phone is angel._ "am i good enough?"

"felix.." he sighed, the exhaustion sinking even deeper into his bones. "that is the stupidest fucking question."

"chan, just answer." he was sniffling now too, and in the quiet of his room, chan can hear his heart shatter.

"oh jesus.... of course you fucking are!" he saved the file onto his computer, and grabbed his phone, leaping from his chair to his bed. "felix, no matter how much you like changbin, you should never think you're not good enough because of him! you are so amazing, so fantastic and if you really think that, then..."

chan was running through the words he wanted to say as if it was a script. he heard more sniffling and stirring.

"then what?"

"i'm sorry felix, but i have to be blunt. if you really think you are not good enough because of him, you have to move on. if you think that your self esteem is taking a hit, then your crush is going in the unhealthy, toxic direction. right? you and changbin still have a relationship, and if it starts affecting you negatively, then that's a toxic relationship. that isn't a situation where you can both benefit from."

"but, i just.. i like him so much, chan. he means so much to me." felix sniffles, and his voice sounds so sore and tired.

"i know you do. i know he does." chan said that more bitterly than he would've hoped. "but felix, these days you're looking so much more depressed. you're unhappy."

chan’s heart beats faster at the want to just wrap him up in a blanket burrito and take care of him. he resists the urge to gag when the thought “ _he deserves the world but the world doesn't deserve him_ ” comes across his mind. _jesus chan, get it together he’s having a situation here._

"i know i am.. because my worries follow me in my sleep. it’s like all my dreams lately are centered around changbin, or changbin is in them, and like.. i always kiss or hug him in my dreams. but then, i wake up and face the truth." _i guess i can say we're in the same boat, felix. not that you would know about that, though._

"how? how can i move on?" _when he’s such an integral part of you and you can't imagine any timeline, life or universe without him right besides you? you really shouldn't be asking me, out of everyone, this question but please hmu if you find the answer._

"i'm not at all saying it's going to be easy." _taken from personal experience._ "but first, how about you try to distance yourself a little from him? not too much, just a tiny little bit so you can get your shit together. then, try working on yourself. taking day offs, giving yourself treats, just in general.. moving on. and taking care of yourself, and i'll be there every step of the way. does that sound good?"

"...yeah." felix stops sniffling. "yeah.. it sounds good. god, i need to move on. i think.. i think i just.. kinda needed to hear it? like i knew it, but i just needed someone to confirm it."

oh, thank jesus christ. now his heart's pain is lessened a little bit. "i know. i'll always be there for you."

"i know you will." he pauses. "thanks, chan. for always sticking with me. you're like a sugar pill; just what i need. i love you."

before his heart collapses, he replies with a shy, "i love you too. goodnight."

he hangs up before he can even hear felix say ' _good night_ ' back, and he puts his phone up against his chest. maybe it's just to ease his pounding heart.

that night, chan's mind wandered far beyond his normal boundaries. like, into more possessive and selfish territory. thoughts such as, " _i'm always there for felix, and he knows damn well i'll never even think about leaving him. or hurting him intentionally. why can't i be the one who he cries about, thinking his love is unrequited? why, why, why?_ "

and chan knows those are shitty, selfish thoughts. he’s completely aware that they’re bad, and no matter how much he shakes his head, he can't get them out of his head. no matter how much he’s self aware, and even though he won't admit it, deep down he still thinks he’s more worthy of felix’s love than changbin is.

but it's useless, it’s useless being self aware when he always ends on the same thought.

"what's the pain in loving me?" he breathily questioned outloud to nobody but himself after humming felix's name over and over again.

 _example number two (2)_ : hwang hyunjin. a boy filled with just as much passion and stardust as felix.

  
hyunjin was different, because felix's crush on him wasn't unrequited.

chan could see it in the way he talked to felix, the words and tone he picked, his body language. hyunjin wasn't just interested in felix, no, he was absolutely smitten. and chan? he was utterly miserable.

chan realizes that his role in felix's story is the supportive best friend that is always there for him, never lets him down, and is willing to give felix advice whenever he needs it. chan is felix's anchor, his best friend that he likes to rag on because he's short even if felix is the same height as chan. just that and nothing more.

at the very least, chan likes to remind himself that in the everlasting book of felix’s life, he is not a background character. he is not a supporting character, either. no, bang chan is a main character.

  
he’ll give it to felix though; he has a good taste in men. chan gets why he likes hyunjin.

because hyunjin is tall, he's handsome, he’s the same age as him, he's really fit, and he's just as passionate, skilled and talented as felix is. they're a perfect match. if chan wasn't so occupied with felix, maybe he would be crushing on hyunjin too.

( _chan is convinced that when felix is feeling passionate, he becomes filled to the brim with stardust and glitter. every nook and cranny is created like poetry. if he's brave enough, he'd like to explore it._ )

being the supportive best friend also means being the wingman. and that's pretty easy to do, because the way hyunjin leans towards him when they're talking and the hungry longing in his eyes is too obvious to miss. it’s so painfully obvious that with every touch those two exchange, felix is not the only one lusting for more. every time they lock eyes, felix is not the only one becoming flustered.

hyunjin wants felix just as much as felix wants him; possibly even more.

  
to throw off suspicion off of himself, he knows he has to set them up. jisung calls it stupid, and changbin thinks he doesn't even have to throw off any suspicion because felix is oblivious as fuck. but he does it, anyway, and maybe it's because chan wants to have a proper reason to move on.

maybe it’s because he knows the second they start dating, chan’s crush on felix will automatically become unhealthy like they always end up being and chan will finally get to move on.

( _"chan, what do you want?"_

_"i want felix to be my boyfriend, of course i do. i like him so much it hurts, jisung."_

_"what do you want more than felix to be your boyfriend?"_

_"for felix to be happy."_

_"is that why you want to set them up?"_

_"...yes."_ )

getting them together is the easy part. all he has to do is plan to go to the movies with them without those two knowing the other is going, ditch at the last second, and boom, it's done.

 **angel**  
alright laid ease and gentle gays hyunjin and i have an announcement

 **jisungie**  
pls tell me felix finally got dicked down

 **hyunjin**  
felix and i are...

 **changbin uwu**  
sucking each other off

 **jeongin the fox**  
fucking

 **seungminnie**  
holding each other's hand whilst we pray to our lord and saviour jesus christ amen

 **wuwujin**  
^^

 **angel**  
dating!!!

the chat after that exploded. texts of congratulations came pouring in, and all chan said was "congrats guys!!". in reality, he was watching his heart drown deeper and deeper with every text pouring into the groupchat.

 **felix**  
and it's all thanks to chan!!

_yeah, it's all thanks to my misery._

the hard part is the aftermath. the hard part is hearing his heart sink and shatter every time hyunjin puts his arm around felix, every time they kiss, every time they refer to each other as "boyfriend", or a cute pet name. that, and jisung's and changbin's knowing looks every time.

he feels their eyes bore into chan, but chan refuses to look at them because he fears he might start crying. he knows it's so selfish of him to want felix all to himself, but just because you know you're colourblind doesn't mean you can see the colours.

he still wants to kiss felix, he still wants to hold his hand, he still wants to tell felix how fuckin' adorable he is. he still wants to, despite voluntarily digging himself into a hole of pain and misery.

maybe chan’s want for felix has already deepened, too deep for him to comprehend. he can try to hide whatever to jisung, but he can't continue the act for long. jisung innocently asks one time when theu were together, "chan, are you okay?”

"a-ah, what? no i'm per-perfectly fine —" the second his tears start coming, he hides his face with his hands, begging to not be seen. he doesn’t want jisung to see chan with red eyes and a puffy face, but he can still hear chan’s pathetic sobs and hiccups.

even if chan is hiding his face, he can still feel how jisung is looking at him with pity and sympathy. jisung wraps his arms around chan’s shoulders, and lets him cry without saying a word. maybe that’s the best part to han jisung, there is no explanation needed for tears. no words, no elaborating, it’s just tears and leaning onto each other when your worries are too heavy for only one soul to bare.

even if he’s too occupied with crying his eyes out, chan feels a pang of appreciation for jisung. he doesn't say it often, but he’s glad he has such a supportive person in his life like him.

“chan..” jisung mutters, and chan feels sorta numb. he doesn’t reply.

“chan, you know felix is completely off limits now, right? and your crush on him is turning unhealthy… crushing on someone who’s already taken is really unhealthy, chan.” jisung comforts in a way that he speaks zero bullshit, and tells you how it is. chan nods, he’s completely aware of what jisung is going to say next but he doesn’t want to face it yet.

“chan..” jisung repeats his name, almost like it’s a plea. “chan, please look at me.”

jisung slowly removes his hands from his face, and it reveals a sorrowful boy with raw insecurities and deep regrets. he’ll never admit it, but he regrets setting them up — but he knows, in the end, it was better to get the pain done and over with sooner than later.

“you have to move on.”

chan says nothing back, but continues having tears stream down his face. he mouths an "i know", but he can't physically get himself to say it. he can't. he knows it's time, he knows he has to move on after months of being sad and his heart fluttering, he has to bring himself to stop this madness — but his heart hurts. he needs time.

"you can take your time, you know." jisung is quieter, and he's glad. quiet noises are what he needs right now. "it's not your fault."

that day ended with changbin and woojin coming over as well, comforting and trying their best to get a smile out of chan. it didn't take long for chan to start smiling, and feel more of those pangs of appreciation for those around him. his head was down and tears were falling onto his thighs, so jisung pulled them all into a group hug.

he felt all the warmth in the world when he was surrounded in the arms and love of his friends. he needs affection right now, and even if they're not too fond of affection, they still go out of their way to give it to chan. they've succeeded; he feels loved.

that same amount of love doesn't die down over the course of the next couple of months, while his flowers slowly and slowly start to wilt for felix right in front of him. he thought that this would be a melancholic moment, to watch felix's dead flowers, but in the end, truly he feels nothing. he still kept felix close to him, because even if he had selfish thoughts he tried his best to not have selfish actions.

cutting felix off because of something that was never his fault would be a very selfish thing to do, and felix doesn't deserve that. especially when all he did that made chan fall so hard was just.. being himself, really.

that is, until a late evening when felix texted him.

 **felix**  
chan

 **felix**  
hyunjin and i broke up

 **me**  
be there in 30~

 **angel**  
please hurry

he texts changbin, telling him hyunjin and felix broke up. being completely unaware of it, chan smiles at the thought. when he realizes what he had just done a split second later, chan’s mouth slacks open and his eyes go wide in shock. why the fuck did he just smile? isn’t he supposed to be over felix?

shaking his head, he goes back to getting ready to go over to felix’s place. he hears a ding and his phone lights up.

 **changbin uwu**  
are you happy that they broke up?

chan thinks about it while he changes clothes. only when he’s at the doorway, keys in his hand and his backpack filled with stuff for overnight in it, that he replies back.

 **me**  
i don’t know

chan doesn't know if he's happy they broke up quite just yet, but he does know his heart feels satisfied at holding felix tight in his arms. even if felix is the same height as chan, he feels so small. he rests his chin upon felix's head, and felix has his legs wrapped around chan's waist and his arms around his shoulders. he's crying little sobs into his neck, and chan doesn't mind. his tears stain chan's shirt, but he doesn't mind ( _he never does when it comes to felix_ ).

after much contemplation, he loosens one arm from felix and puts it in his hair instead. he can hear felix's breath hitch, and he starts rubbing little circles into his hair. his sobs quiet, and soon he feels how felix's breathing steady.

it's a pleasant feeling, both running his hand through felix's hair and knowing felix is calming down because of it. the way he calmed down almost reminds him of a puppy. felix has hiccups here and there, and chan can hear his heart shatter just a little bit. it breaks apart at the seams, but not too much to the point where chan gives it the time of day.

it's cute. even if his chest is sorta heavy from doing nothing but holding felix as he cries for the last half hour. holding him and running his hand through his hair sorta makes chan's heart leap. ' _sorta_ '.

eventually, felix falls asleep and chan does his best to place him lightly onto the couch, so he could go get some tissues to wipe felix’s face from tears. when he does, he starts gently wiping his cheeks. chan smiles at how chubby they are, and his heart silently swoons. he’s grateful that he’s both a deep sleeper and really tired from all the crying he just did, so felix won't wake up any time soon.

he discards the tissues, and his heart sings and sings so sweetly and melodically once he picks him up again. he positions felix’s arms and legs so it’ll be easier to carry him, and his heart is laughing contently. he holds onto him tightly as he walks from the living room into felix’s bedroom, and placing him onto the bed, he makes sure it’s comfortable for him.

felix was already in his pajamas when chan got here, so he’s grateful for that. he tucks him in, sighs quietly and grabs his backpack full of his overnight things. he was too lazy to bring any of his skin care products, so he only washed his face, brushed his teeth and changed clothes.

once he makes himself comfortable next to felix, his heart sinks.

chan is quite familiar with the feeling of his heart sinking. it's not uncommon, it happens every time he checks his bank account. he is no stranger to his heart drowning; but this time it’s a little bit different. because he remembers the very specific feeling of his heart choking and sinking a couple of months ago, whenever felix and hyunjin did anything affectionate.

the same choking feeling was in place whenever he was feeling heartbroken over felix, whenever he ranted to changbin and jisung about how much unrequited love sucks balls.

his heart drowned the exact same way when he laid there, in the dark, looking at a tired sleeping felix with just the tiniest smile on his face, because in that moment he was hit with a realization. chan doesn’t feel pity on felix, he doesn't feel sad that felix is sad; no, chan is happy.

chan feels satisfied, he feels content laying right besides him after felix just broke up with his boyfriend.

his feelings for him never really went away. they were never gone. they were just silenced, waiting for the opportunity to shine again. they were muted because he loves him too much to long over him when he's — _was_ in a relationship.

and that's what was on his mind when he went to sleep that night, and the morning following it too. he woke up earlier than felix, made him breakfast and he… just left.

he got up, and left. which is uncharacteristic of chan — even when he's at his worst and the best option is to leave, he doesn't. he doesn't run away from his problems, he instead tries his best to face them head on as best as he can.

but, he guesses that when it comes to lee felix, he’s always running. whether it’s to or away from him.

on the way to his apartment, chan called changbin at 9:54 am in the morning. in 5 rings, changbin picked up. his voice was groggy; suggesting he either just woke up or chan was the one to wake him.

“chan?”

“hey, changbin."

“what's up man?” he can hear bed squeaks in the background from the other end of the call, and a groan while changbin is presumably stretching.

“you asked me last night if i was happy that they broke up, right?” chan picked up the pace of his walking.

“yeah, have you got your answer?” he asks nonchalantly.

“yes.” chan replies back curtly. “i’m happy they broke up.”

he can hear changbin choking on something, and then proceeding to spit out whatever he was choking on. a couple of coughs later, changbin barely responds, “i thought you got over felix?”

“i thought so too.” he quips, and he realizes how his tone sounds like he's disappointed. “but i guess my feelings never left. they were just put on mute for a couple of months.”

“jesus.” chan doesn't really know if changbin said that at his own lungs for running out of air or at chan. “what are you going to do now? are you going to ask him out already?”

“i have no idea.”

“well, you're gonna have to wait at least a couple of months before you start making some moves.” he can hear quiet shuffles on the other end. “not just because that's a good friend thing to do on hyunjin’s behalf and shit, but also because like… ya know how much felix’s in love with hyunjin. it’s going to take quite a bit for felix to get over him.”

“i know, i know.” chan was now approaching the entrance of his complex. “besides, i don't want to possibly hurt felix when he's so vulnerable right now. but i also might need some time off.. to collect my thoughts. on the situation, on felix, all that.”

“right.” he yawns. “say, uh i’ll check up on you later, okay? please take care of felix, but also yourself, and remember to drink water. your skin and like.. entire body will forever be in your favour.”

chan chuckles as he steps into the elevator ( _he’s glad no one is inside; he hates elevator rides with strangers_ ). “yeah, yeah, okay mom. i know, i’ll talk to you later. you do the same.”

“i will. see ya.”

in the back of his head, chan feels guilty for liking felix. he feels guilty for thinking felix is made of stars, making songs about how in love he is, wanting to always be there for him even if it's in spirit. maybe if chan can't be an actively permanent figure in felix's life, at the very least he wants to be a trace he can never erase.

he thinks it's weird how he'll admit that he's in love with him, but not exactly that he loves felix. though tied together, it's almost like being in love and loving him is two completely different things. two worlds — so close together, but so apart.

maybe that's an active representation of their relationship, too. so close, so intimate and needy, but never close enough.

  
he's selfish, he wants more. but he'll admit to himself through love songs and his starry eyes that truly, chan will never get more than what they have. but he's okay with that too — it's weird how no matter how much he wants more, no matter how much he wants his kisses and his love, he's fine with being on the sideline and supporting him too.

but maybe that's just a dumb lie that chan has conditioned himself in thinking. maybe.

but after a while, felix starts doing better. he starts smiling more and returns to being positive and excited about the future. in return, chan gets happier too. he treats every accomplishment and happiness of felix like it's his own. every positive score for his assignments or exams, he celebrates them as if he's the one who got them. every pay raise, every laugh, every joy.

it includes sorrow too. chan's connection to felix has conditioned him to be almost too emphathetic towards him. felix also talks to hyunjin still, and they keep a healthy friendship - which chan is incredibly proud of. he's glad they're both being so mature and healthy too.

which slowly leads into the third boy that makes felix's heart swoon.

_example number three (3): bang chan._

you heard him right. after an unrequited love for seo changbin, and a failed relationship with hwang hyunjin, felix started gaining interest in a new boy.

but felix never told chan about him. felix never uttered a single word of interest about any boy, but even doing so, chan can feel that he’s interested in somebody. every time felix gets a new love interest in his story, he can’t explain it but felix gets this aura around him when he’s crushing.

the thought of it being himself that felix is interested in doesn't even once cross his mind - which is why instead of getting sad, chan silences his feelings even more. every butterfly that arises, he shoots it down with a bullseye.

it helps too when one evening while woojin and chan were hanging out over mario kart and ice cream, woojin suddenly went red and started biting down on his lip. "chan?"

"hmm?" he turned his attention away from mario, pausing it. and that's how it stayed for the entire night. he readjusts himself before continuing, "yeah, what's up?"

"i know this might make our friendship really awkward and uncomfortable but i kinda, uhm... can't really hold it in anymore." from those words alone, he knew what woojin was going to say. he blurred out the " _chan, i really like you. i have for a couple of months now_ " out of his head.

what does this mean for him? he never really thought of woojin that way. woojin was more of a quiet best friend, and felix....

silence loomed over them, and he finally looked up to woojin. yeah, woojin is really pretty, he's really talented too - and a good person. what's there not to like? and as for felix, chan can't wait for felix anymore. besides, felix likes somebody else. it's his third heartbreak related to felix now, isn't it? it's time to move on.

and that's exactly what chan did. catching him by surprise, he moves closer to woojin and moves close enough that their lips are almost touching. he asks, "can i kiss you?"

woojin nods hesitantly, and that's exactly what he does. chan kisses him, and woojin's lips taste like the ice cream he had earlier. so sweet, but somehow chan feels nothing from it. he still feels the same, unbothered and mundane. there's no change in atmosphere, there's no worlds colliding or sparks going off.

chan oddly feels nothing, which he wants to shame himself for. _such a pretty boy, inside and out - and you feel absolutely nothing, chris?_

woojin smiles into the kiss, and he puts his hands on chan's neck, so he forces himself to put on a small smile for woojin.

"hey, woojin." _chan, you're forcing yourself too much. no matter how much you want to move on, you still have feelings for him._ "can i ask you another question?"

"yeah?"

_chan, please don't. don't ask him to be your boyfriend - you absolutely know you don't like woojin in that way, your heart's not in it. it's not fair to him or you._

"will you be my boyfriend?"

"yes." woojin kisses him again, and he kisses woojin back. all they did afterwards was make out and cuddle, and he knows with his heart and soul that chan is supposed to have butterflies everywhere, that he's supposed to be happy - but all chan feels is emptiness. he's not happy, but not exactly sad either. like a weird in betweener.

 **wuwujin**  
ok since the other couples made a dramatic announcement too i have a legal permit to do it as well

 **angel**  
wait

 **jeongin the fox**  
I NEVER THOUGHT I WOULD SEE THE LIGHT OF DAY OF WOOJIN HAVING A BOYFRIEND THIS IS A WIN FOR THE GAYS

 **jisungie**  
woojin.... The kim woojin..... has a boyfriend...... what a concept

 **seungminnie**  
i'm in tears i'm so proud of him

 **hyunjin**  
ok but gays let woojin tell us who he's dating first

 **changbin uwu**  
chan is staying oddly quiet.... eyes emoji

 **lino the snake**  
don't you ever type out emojis ever again or i will personally stab you

 **changbin uwu**  
you'RE SO MEAN

 **wuwujin**  
gays, gays settle down

 **wuwujin**  
let my boyfriend do the honor

 **me**  
woojin  & i are dating!!!!

he feels his heart sink with every "thank you" he types into the groupchat. so many exclamation points, but he's not excited at all. he knows his heart is not in it, and he'll break woojin's heart so drastically. so painfully. but it's at it's worst when felix does his congratulations.

 **angel**  
oh

 **felix**  
congratulations!

chan takes a painful few seconds before he responds.

 **me**  
thank you felix

he notices sharply after woojin and him start dating, chan starts to feel less happy. often he's tired and restless, and felix too - it's like felix is always tired, and he's so much more.. sadder now. like a switch in his brain. he doesn't like where anything is going with his life right now, and he feels so helplessy stuck in a relationship he willingly got himself into.

he kisses, touches and cuddles woojin on a daily basis but even he can feel how cold his touch is and how much his heart isn't in it. and he knows woojin will notice and he knows they have to break up, but somehow he just can't. he can't admit to himself that he got himself into a relationship become he thought that would help him get over felix, but it didn't work. and honestly, it wasn't working from the second he kissed woojin that one night over mario kart and now, bittersweet ice cream.

he knows woojin isn't stupid. he isn't dumb - he's seen chan at his most passionate, at his most loving, most inspired. so honestly, he wasn't very surprised when he confronts chan about it.

"chan." oh god, it's that tone. the tone that woojin uses when chan really fucked up, he doesn't use it often but chan knows it like the back of his hand because when he gets into a hole of all the times he's ever made someone angry or disappointed, that tone sticks out like a sore thumb.

"yeah?"

"i know you don't like me romantically, at all." woojin doesn't really sound angry, not even sad, but just disappointed. disappointed that chan did that to him, that chan could even think he could fool woojin.

at first, chan tries to deny it. emphasis on the word, tries. "no, no woojin i really do like you -"

"no you don't." he cuts him off. and chan knows, with that sentence alone, that chan can't hide anymore. he can't keep insisting that he likes woojin when he really doesn't.

"no i don't." chan whispers weakly.

"i've seen you when you were so passionate, it seemed like you were gonna burst. so in love and infatuated with someone that your eyes dripped honey." woojin states matter-of-factly, chasing it down with a bow of harsh words and arrows of truth. "you never looked at me like that. you never kissed me with passion."

chan starts breaking a tear or two. "woojin, i'm so fucking sorry. i tried to, i really did, but i just ended up lying to both me and you."

"you got into a relationship with me because you thought it would help you get over felix, i know." chan's mouth shapes into a little 'o', and his eyes widen. "i know, chan. because you still look at felix that way. you still look at him with honey."

his mouth closes again. "..am i that obvious?" he whispers.

he chuckles. "yeah. i don't know how felix hasn't gotten it through his thick skull that you like him, already. we're full grown adults, but it's like we're teenagers at the same time."

"i'm sorry." chan apologizes again. he knows that's at least the bare minimum, to apologize.

"why should you apologize? it's not your fault you like him. really, i should be the one apologizing for putting you in a situation like that when i knew how deep your love for him goes."

"you're way too nice." chan dares to crack a smile.

"yeah, i know. now go collect felix, will ya? and get your shit together." woojin teases him, and squeezes chan's shoulder.

"i will. i'm still sorry."

"don't worry about it - now go."

he nods, and chan bolts out the door of woojin's apartment. he quickly texts felix that he got broken up with, and he's coming over. felix replies back with an "okay", and chan smiles. he can't believe the minute he's out of a relationship with woojin, he's already so much more happier.

in no time, he's at felix's apartment. he knocks excitedly, and felix slowly opens the door. chan jumps into his humble abode, and felix raises an eyebrow at how happy chan is.

"you just got broken up with, shouldn't you be a little bit.. i don't know, sadder chris?" felix chuckles a little as the door clicks shut.

"nah. i'll tell you why later." chan says once he kicks off his shoes, and takes felix into his living room. chan passes felix a controller, and he swiftly catches it.

"for now, let's play some zelda, yeah?" chan sits back down, and smiles.

felix nods with a smile, a little 'yeah' on his lips.

later comes now, and while chan is in the process of killing a chuu chuu, felix asks what's been on his mind the entire time. "why are you so happy you and woojin broke up?"

chan decides to pause the game, and slouches back onto the couch. "it's pretty simple. i'm super into this guy that i met in my senior year of high school, yeah? and we've known each other since. and a little while ago, he turned 18. ever since then, i've had this major crush on him."

felix listens with compliance, and a few nods. "i thought getting into a relationship with woojin would help me get over him. it didn't - it was just a really unpleasant experience for the both of us."

felix's eyebrows are furrowed slightly, and he hums. "can you tell me who it is?"

chan's heart is pumping out of his chest. he's already shaking and sweaty enough from just describing to felix who it is, but actually telling him? wow, what the fuck. he's really going to have to tell him who he has a crush on, right now? right after woojin broke up with him? right after.. everything? jesus, this is really happening in the year of our lord.

"uhm.." he stammers, and chan can already feel his hands going all clammy and sweaty. "he's uh.. really cute. he's a native born australian, he has these cute ass freckles, he's 3 years younger than me, and uh..."

"chan, who is it?"

chan's chest tightens and he looks away. "he's kinda... sorta, uhm this boy named uh... he's kinda you?"

silence falls over them, and chan knows he fucked up. oh no, oh fuck no - he messed up their entire relationship. it's all messy and awkward now and he'll never get to look at felix in his eyes ever again and -

"i like you too." chan looks up and felix has this adorable smile on his face. chan feels like he's on cloud 9.

"wait - wait, what? you like me too?"

"yeah." felix says with a hint of chuckle in his voice. "i have for such a long time now. like... it was so fucking obvious, jesus christ."

chan takes time to process that. it takes time to process that all the feelings, love, hurt, sorrow and joy that felix made him feel for such a long time, felix felt too - and they were about chan. chan made felix sad, angry, confused, frustrated but happy, loved and oddly content. he can't believe that.

"hey chan?" felix tilts his head a little bit to the side. "can i kiss you now?"

chan responds late when he excitedly nods, and felix leans in closer.

his lips are so soft. softer than any bakery sweet, softer than any blanket, so soft and chan wants so much more. he pulls at felix's shirt, and he inches closer. chan breaks away, and kisses his jawline instead. chan wants to drown in every star on felix's cheeks.

he grabs onto his waist, and pulls him onto his lap. he starts to rub circles onto his thighs, and turns back to his lips once more.

felix's hands are on chan's jaw. and stupidly enough, just like how they describe in books, everywhere felix touches, in its wake it leaves a trail of electricity. their lips move like clockwork, and it's making chan feel just a teensy bit dizzy, but it's fine.

he's so in love with this feeling, this moment in time, it's fine. the dizziness just makes it more fun, and drills it in home that bang chan is currently making with lee felix. and he thought that would only happen in his wildest dreams.

in an ode to their clumsiness, their teeth meet and they both giggle. god, there is possibly nothing more sensational than felix laughing against chan's mouth. giving a few more kisses on the corners of his mouth, and pulling just slightly at his lip, chan pulls away. not for long, but to just lightly push felix onto the couch.

felix, taking advantage of the fact that chan loves anything that has to do with someone touching his hair, treads his fingers into chan's hair. chan smiles into the kiss, and bites felix's lip. felix giggles again, and chan just mutters, "little shit."

this time, it's felix who breaks away. he stops, and just softly smiles. chan's cheeks turn a bit pink, and he smiles too. "what are you doing?"

"nothing." felix giggles, and pulls chan back. chan kisses around his ears, neck and cheeks. felix just giggles and smiles through it and wraps his legs around chan's waist. when chan stops, this time felix is the one to kiss chan all over. he focuses mostly on chan's cheeks and his nose, and chan gets a little bit more red.

felix coos, "you get more embarrassed when i kiss your cheek than when i kiss your lips or neck.."

he looks away, "yanno, when they portray this in movies, they portray it with so much.. like, hot passion? and it's so intense and shit, but we're making out, and you're kissing my nose. and making me blush. and we're both giggling, gosh, this is so stupid."

felix kisses his cheek again. "what? do you want it to be more intense?"

"nope. i'm perfectly fine the way it is."

diving backing in, chan focuses purely on his lips. felix responds back with as much force as chan is. felix moves his hand from chan's jaw to his chest. like a lightbulb, chan smirks into the kiss. still working on felix's lips, chan locks his hands onto felix's wrists, and he pins them above felix's head.

"hey!" felix whines.

"no touching." no matter how much chan will deny it if you ask him, chan has rehearsed this part of ordering felix around so much he's got it down to an artform. looking unhappy to do so, felix complies and he leaves his hands above his head.

instinctively, yet accidentally, chan smiling mutters "good boy."

he can see a wave of surprise run over felix's eyes, and chan starts to panic internally. with felix under him he was supposed to do a million things but calling him a good boy in their first fucking making out session wasn't supposed to happen in this timeline, or the next one, or the one after that.

before he can open his mouth to start hurriedly apologizing, he witnesses how his cheeks go pink and his lips curve up in a smile. chan turns a little redder, and out of embarrassment just goes back to attacking felix's lips. he wants to drown in his lips so badly, he never wants to let go or stop kissing him.

chan runs his hands over felix's chest, ghosting them over his hips. he lightly presses himself just a little bit harder onto felix, and smirks at how felix squirms. he jams his hands under felix's shirt, and rests them onto his chest. felix gasps, and chan takes this chance to clichély run the kiss deeper. he explores every part of his mouth, and once he's done, he stops the kiss entirely and breathes.

felix looks prettier than he usually ever does. his eyes look glossy, and his lips are pink and swole. chan knows he himself doesn't look any better, but just somehow felix pulls it off. he looks good, too good. ( _or maybe it's chan's ego speaking and he looks prettier now that felix is fucked out from kissing chan._ )

chan giggles, and felix does too. "i loved that..."

"i did too." felix breathily replies back, and chan rolls over to felix's side. he's catching his breath. and chan smiles, sweetly and softly up at the ceiling.

"i just got dumped, but uh.. felix, can i call you my boyfriend now?"

"only if i get to call you mine."

if felix has stars on his cheeks, at least chan is his rocket ship.


End file.
